


From the Pages of the Schitt's Creek Inquirer

by houdini74



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, News Media, Newspapers, recreation of news stories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-10-10 14:17:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20529413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houdini74/pseuds/houdini74
Summary: What if Schitt's Creek had a newspaper?This is what it might look like.





	1. Excerpts from 2015

**Author's Note:**

> I may have gotten a little carried away with this but I couldn't help myself. I have plans for the other years, but no promises on when I'll get them done.

## Rose Fortune Seized, Warrant Issued

BY: Mitch Welland, The Canadian Press On April 17, 2015

TORONTO, ON - Shock rippled through the entertainment world this week as news broke that the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) has seized the assets of Rose Video and the wealthy Rose family. The Rose family, headed by patriarch Johnny Rose, was left destitute after an employee embezzled the bulk of their multi-million dollar fortune, leaving the CRA to seize the remainder for back taxes. A warrant has been issued for the arrest of former business manager, Eli Johnson.

The Rose family made their money by growing the family owned video store chain into the second largest video chain in North America. Despite the ubiquitousness of Rose Video, the family is best known from the exploits of matriarch Moira, who rose to fame as the deeply despised Vivian Blake on the long-running soap opera, Sunrise Bay.

Rose children David and Alexis have long personified the entitled laziness of the nouveau riche, their drunken parties are regular fodder for the checkout tabloids. Mostly recently, David Rose was the proprietor of a contemporary art gallery in New York while sister Alexis is best known from her short-lived reality TV show ‘A Little Bit Alexis.’ Last year, Alexis Rose caused an international incident when Canadian Embassy officials were required to rescue her from the palace of a Saudi prince.

There is no word as to what will happen to the Rose family or if the Roses will retain any of their former assets. The fate of Ontario town Schitt’s Creek, owned by the Roses since 1994, is as yet, unknown.

No members of the Rose family were available to comment on this story.

## Schitt’s Creek Welcomes New Residents

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
April 25, 2015

Mayor Roland Schitt was on hand this Tuesday to personally welcome Schitt’s Creek’s newest inhabitants. Following news last week about the embezzlement of the Rose family fortune, residents learned that the illustrious Rose family will make Schitt’s Creek their home for the foreseeable future, having taken up residence in the Schitt’s Creek Motel.

Reports from Toronto indicate that the town of Schitt’s Creek may be the Rose family’s sole remaining asset after their multi-million dollar fortune was embezzled by a long time business manager and their remaining assets were seized by the Canada Revenue Agency. The Rose family’s plans for the town are currently unknown.

“Of course we welcome the Roses to Schitt’s Creek,” said Mayor Schitt. “But we all know that living here is not the same as Paris or New York. They may find that we do things a little differently than they’re used to.”

Johnny and Moira Rose are accompanied by their adult children, former New York gallery owner David Rose and his sister, reality TV star Alexis Rose.

No members of the Rose family were available to comment on this story.

## Schitt’s Creek For Sale

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
May 10, 2015

The fears of many residents were realized this week with the news that the town of Schitt’s Creek is officially on the market.

Local realtor Ray Butani confirmed that the town is being marketed by his agency, with an asking price of $1,000,000.

“This is a unique opportunity for anyone who is looking for that special project,” Butani explained. “Opportunities to own an entire town don’t come along every day.”

If a buyer is found, the purchase would include 4,500 acres of land including varied landscapes and dated architecture as seen in the Cafe Tropicale and the Schitt’s Creek Motel.

“The new owner of the town will exist in name only, as Mayor, I will retain full control of Town Council,” Mayor Roland Schitt explained. “We don’t need some hoity-toity outsider deciding what we should do here in Schitt’s Creek.”

Schitt’s Creek is the sole remaining asset of the Rose family, following the embezzlement and seizure of the family’s other assets earlier this year. The Roses originally purchased the town in 1994. Since their loss of fortune, the Rose family has been living in the Schitt’s Creek Motel. Both Mr. Butani and Mayor Schitt believe that this is the Rose family’s first visit to the town.

Local residents were split on what they would do if they were in the Rose’s shoes.

“I would never sell the town,” said Cafe Tropicale owner Twyla Sands. “Everyone I know lives here. Except my mom’s third husband, but that’s only because he’s in jail in Kingston.”

Schitt’s Creek Motel staffer Stevie Budd disagreed. “Like you’d stay,” she said.

No members of the Rose family were available to comment on this story.

## Buyer found for town

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
September 12, 2015

Mayor Roland Schitt confirmed today that a buyer has been found for the town of Schitt’s Creek.

The town, which has been on the market since May, was listed for sale by the Rose family, following the loss of their other assets. The listing price for the town was $1,000,000.

“It would be unethical of me to reveal any details of the sale before the deal is signed,” Mayor Schitt stated. “But I think the Roses will be very very happy.”

No details were available about the name of the buyer or any future plans they may have for the town. The negotiations for the sale are expected to be wrapped up later this week.

No members of the Rose family were available to comment on this story.

## Town sale falls through

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
September 14, 2015

Reports earlier this week that the town of Schitt’s Creek had been sold proved premature as shelving mogul Andy Roberts suffered a medical emergency that prevented the sale from being completed.

Roberts had been seconds away from signing the deal to purchase the town from the Rose family when the medical emergency occurred, sources revealed.

The uncompleted sale is a setback for the Rose family who were reportedly counting on the deal to help them get back on their feet following the loss of their multi-million dollar fortune to a corrupt business manager earlier this year.

Without a signed sale deal, it is likely that the Rose family will be forced to continue their residency at the Schitt’s Creek Motel for the foreseeable future.

No members of the Rose family were available to comment on this story.

## EDITORIAL

## No Changes Needed in Schitt’s Creek

BY: Schitt’s Creek Inquirer Editorial Board  
June 14, 2015

The rural ambiance that is embodied by small towns such as our own is becoming a rare and fleeting thing, too often lost amongst the hustle and bustle of modern city life. I think we can all agree that we need to value what we have, and not bow to the pressure to conform to what outsiders think is right for our town.

Which brings me to the Town Sign.

The Town Sign has stood at the entrance to our town for more than forty years. Thousands of tourists have come to photograph the sign, thus availing themselves of our local services and supporting our local businesses including Bob’s Garage and Cafe Tropicale. To change or even more unthinkably, remove, this local landmark simply because it fails to meet the sensibilities of a handful of pretentious, big-city newcomers would be short-sighted and would diminish the image we have long worked to uphold.

Perhaps once they have spent some time in our fair town, some of our newer residents may be less eager to make changes just to align with some big city aesthetic. Until that time, we would suggest that they keep their ideas about any improvements for the town to themselves.

## Letters to the Editor

I was shocked and alarmed this week to learn that criminals from the big city are being sentenced to do community service in our town. This sets an unpalatable precedent that will encourage jurisdictions to send all sorts of reprobates to Schitt’s Creek under the guise of ‘community service.’

We must not allow this type of behavior to continue. I trust Mayor and Council will do the right thing when it comes to barring outside criminals from making their home in our town.

On another note, I really appreciate that someone cleaned up the garbage along Township Road 16, it looks great!

Valerie Woods  
Schitt’s Creek

I was greatly disappointed with my recent sampling of Herb Ertlinger’s Fruit Wine. The musk-melon goodness was definitely missing from the oak chardonnay and the only coddling the fruit had received was to be vigorously bruised before being turned into wine. Good fruit did not make a difference. That’s the last time I purchase a product promoted by Moira Rose (even if she was delightful on Sunrise Bay!)

Marg Harper  
Schitt’s Creek

## SPORTS

## Bob’s Garage Defeats Cafe Tropicale in Baseball Championship

In what has become an annual tradition, the team from Bob’s Garage defeated Cafe Tropicale by a score of 10-2 in the annual intraleague championship. It is the ninth straight year that Bob’s Garage has taken the championship.

Led by slugger Stevie Budd, Bob’s Garage took an early lead in the first inning, when Budd hit a three-run home run to right field. The Cafe team made a valiant effort in the third, when Gwen Currie’s double to centerfield drove in two runs, making it a one-run game. The rally was for nothing, as Bob’s Garage struck for three more runs in the fifth, pulling the game out of reach. Additional runs in the seventh and eighth sealed the win for the Bob’s Garage team.

Bob’s Garage team captain Ronnie Lee was eager to praise the other team. “They put up a good fight, but we were too much for them.”

Twyla Sands, catcher for the Cafe Tropicale team was philosophical about the loss. “There’s always next year.”

Indeed there is. And the Schitt’s Creek Inquirer looks forward to covering next year’s rematch.

## BUSINESS

## Diversity is Key to Local Business Success

Ray Butani is not someone who likes to sit still.

Not that he has time to do so. The local entrepreneur is the driving force behind a trio of local businesses, collectively advertised as Ray Butani Real Estate, Travel and Photography.

When he first moved to Schitt’s Creek from Winnipeg, Butani had planned on establishing himself as the town’s first realtor. Setting up shop was easy, but selling local properties proved more challenging than he anticipated.

“Properties in Schitt’s Creek are...unique,” Butani explained. “They have many wonderful features that often speak only to a single buyer who may take some time to emerge.”

A combination of a need for more revenue and gaps in his schedule led to his foray into the travel business. From the beginning, Butani knew he couldn’t compete with online services such as Expedia or Travelocity so his offerings have a more specific focus.

“Many people don’t know that the Town of Elmdale has a large Latvian population,” Butani explains. “In 2014, I was given an award as the top Latvian travel agent in Canada by the Latvian Country Tourism Association.”

While the real estate and travel pay the bills, it’s photography that is Butani’s real passion.

“People are so happy when they have their pictures taken. It’s like the photos simply take themselves.”

What’s next for this multi-faceted businessperson?

“I’m looking at expanding in closet organization,” Butani suggests. “And if business continues to boom, I may need to hire an assistant.”

## Cheers And Jeers

CHEERS: To the Schitt’s Creek Motel for their spirit of generosity and for providing shelter for those in need until they can get back on their feet.

JEERS: To the obscene town sign that needs to be removed immediately for the sake of the future of the town.

JEERS: To thrift shops for not knowing the value of luxury clothing.

CHEERS: To Mayor Roland Schitt for putting the best foot the town has forward to welcome our newest residents!

CHEERS: To the town sign. Our local history would be lost without it!

CHEERS: To our local delinquents who are doing their part to keep our town clean and beautiful.

CHEERS: To the Annual Turkey Shoot for providing a safe, family-friendly event.

JEERS: To the Schitt’s Creek Motel for its outdated aesthetic that is slowly devouring my soul.

JEERS: To the town of Schitt’s Creek for its deficiency of amenities that is slowly devouring my soul.

CHEERS: To the recent arrival of couture fashion on the streets of our town.

CHEERS: To students at Schitt’s Creek High for learning that death comes for all of us.

JEERS: To the Schitt’s Creek Motel for never having enough towels.

CHEERS: To the Inquirer’s editorial board for telling it like it is. Schitt’s Creek is perfect just the way it is!

CHEERS: To Jocelyn Schitt for providing her always delectable cheese ball to the church potluck.

JEERS: To the Schitt’s Creek Motel for its leaky plumbing.

CHEERS: To the town sign, a tourist destination forty years in the making!

JEERS: To the Rose family for selling the gem that is the town of Schitt’s Creek.

CHEERS: To Moira Rose for her stirring rendition of Danny Boy at Carl Currie’s funeral. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house!

## CLASSIFIED ADS

#### COMMUNITY NOTICES

**POLICE NOTICE** \- Missing Person. All residents are advised to be on the lookout for David Rose, missing since Friday. White male, 31 years old. 5’9”ish, between 150-180 lbs (closer to 180). Last seen wearing ill-fitting black pants and a black sweater. If found, contact Johnny and Moira Rose at the Schitt’s Creek Motel. Residents are also advised to be on the lookout for a 1982 Chevy pickup and a genuine brown crocodile skin bag.

**PET OF THE WEEK** Mittens is a 2 year old mixed breed pup who is looking for a pawfect furever home!. Mom was a black lab and we didn’t want to embarrass Mittens by asking for personal details about his father. If you think Mittens would be mutts about you, come to the Ted Mullens Veterinary Clinic for a visit, M-F, 9-5.

#### REAL ESTATE

**FARMLAND** \- 7 Acres, Lots of Land! $31,000. Close to the shores of Schitt’s Creek. Close to Elmdale amenities and schools. Build your dream house or plant your dream crop on this large, picturesque plot of land. Enjoy access to creek. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

**TOWN FOR SALE** \- 4,500 Acres. $1,000,000. Varied landscapes and outdated architecture. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

**RENOVATED** \- Updated Kitchen! $203,000. 1 Bed/1 Bath. Spacious open concept hardwood living and dining room leads to newly renovated kitchen. Relax on the deck and BBQ all summer! Quiet street, lots of potential to add your own cosmetic touches. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

#### BUSINESS SERVICES

**Ray Butani Real Estate, Photography and Travel** The largest real estate, photography and travel planning business in west south-central eastern Ontario! Raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

**VISIT LATVIA!** $1099/person. 2 week vacation special, all inclusive. Visit beautiful Latvia and see Sigulda, Jurmala and Gauja as you never have before. Deal expires July 15, 2015. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

Unbeatable prices and quality services!  
I CAN BOOK YOUR VACATION  
FIND YOUR DREAM HOME  
AND TAKE YOUR FAMILY PORTRAIT!  
raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

Need a perfect photograph? We are now certified in children, water, fire, and night photography. Need that special photo of a child playing with fire at night? We’ve got you covered. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

**COUPLES YOGA.** Fridays and Wednesdays. See Twyla at Cafe Tropicale for more info.

**CAFE TROPICALE WEEKLY SPECIALS**  
Monday - Sushi and Summer Rolls, $4.95  
Tuesday - Green Curry and Papaya Sorbet $7.95  
Wednesday - Fish Tacos $6.95  
Thursday - Corn Chowder $4.95  
Friday - Tropical Pizza $10  
Saturday - Chef Surprise $9.95

#### HELP WANTED

Bag boys wanted. Elmdale Grocery. Flexible hours. $11.00/hour. Email resume to jobs@elmdalegrocery.com

#### PERSONALS

**OPEN TO OFFERS** \- 60-something woman seeks available partners for open relationship. Inquiries to Gwen, Box 4, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer.


	2. Excerpts from 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie, I think Season 2 is my least favorite season of the show. Thank goodness for the election or writing this would have been even more difficult. But next up is Season 3, which means we get Rose Apothecary and the motel to play with. (Please don't talk about the timeline).

## Missing Man Found Safe and Sound

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
April 5, 2016

A missing Schitt’s Creek man has been found after being reported missing earlier this week. David Rose, 32, was reported missing on Monday. 

The missing man was located on the Amish farm of Aaron and Rachel Stoltzfus. The Stoltzfus’s took Mr Rose in after the truck he had stolen ran out of gas. Due to their traditional Amish lifestyle, which prohibits the use of technology, Mr Rose was unable to call for help. 

“David’s time with us was a gift of patience, forgiveness and restraint. Gifts we hope we never have to receive again,” said Mr Stoltzfus.

A missing 1982 Chevy truck and a genuine crocodile skin bag were also located.

No members of the Rose family were available to comment on this story.

## By-election Looms as Butani Resigns

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
April 23, 2016

After twelve years, local businessman Ray Butani is calling it quits on Schitt’s Creek Town Council.

“My business endeavors are keeping me too busy,” Butani explains. “I don’t have time to be on Council while focusing on my businesses and launching my new podcast.”

Butani went on to say that the repaving of Township Road 16 was one of his proudest accomplishments during his time in office. 

The replacement of Butani will mark the first time in ten years that a new face has graced Town Council. Council has been unchanged since 2006 when Ronnie Lee was elected, replacing long time Councillor Maureen Budd. 

Speculation is rampant about which townspeople will throw their hats into the ring for upcoming by-election. Whoever the new Councillor is, they will have a unique opportunity to change the direction of Schitt’s Creek for years to come.

## Rose-Schitt Election Showdown

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
May 2, 2016

Schitt’s Creek will have its first election in a decade as two candidates have submitted their nomination papers to fill the vacant Council seat created by Ray Butani’s resignation last month.

New resident and former New York socialite, Moira Rose, will face off against homegrown candidate and wife of current mayor, Jocelyn Schitt. 

“At first I thought that I’d rather poke my eyes out with hat pins,” Rose said, when asked what prompted her decision to run. “But then I realized, if Jocelyn can run, anyone can.”

Jocelyn Schitt expressed a similar level of excitement about the upcoming campaign. “I think it’s going to be a real hoot!”

Existing Councillors are also looking forward to the first by-election in over a decade. Ronnie Lee, who won the last by-election in 2006, stated, “A little healthy competition never hurt anyone.”

The by-election will be held on June 12.

## Candidate Profile: Jocelyn Schitt 

**Age: **45  
**Occupation: ** High school teacher  
**Schitt’s Creek resident: ** All my life!  
**Committee or civic group experience: ** Choir director for the Jazzagals.  
**Personal Philosophy: ** I just want to make everyone happy  
**Priorities if elected: ** Supporting the Schitt agenda!  
**Endorsements: ** Roland Schitt: “I would like my little lady to win this campaign.”  
**How are you feeling about the upcoming race? ** “It’s going to be a real hoot!”

## Candidate Profile: Moira Rose 

**Age: ** 52  
**Occupation: ** Triple threat.  
**Schitt’s Creek resident: **Regrettably, yes.  
**Committee or civic group experience: **Raised $2 million for charity, Chair: Artists Against Eczema, Celebrity Talent: Everybody Nose benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty, Co-chair: Teenage Rosacea Ball  
**Personal Philosophy: ** I am determined to change this town for the better!  
**Priorities if elected: ** I will dedicate myself to cleaning up this town and bringing art and culture to Schitt’s Creek for the first time because it’s what I deserve.  
**Endorsements: ** Ronnie Lee: “She’s a pain in the ass but she gets things done.’  
**How are you feeling about the upcoming race? ** ”I’ve never been one to shy away from a good fight.”

## Rose Cries Fouls over Vanished Signs

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
May 27, 2016

Clean election campaigns may be a thing of the past in Schitt’s Creek as accusations of election sign tampering have come to light. 

Election signs for candidate Moira Rose have reportedly gone missing, leaving the candidate and her supporters to cry foul over the state of the election. 

“I can’t believe anyone in Schitt’s Creek would stoop to criminal activity,” said Twyla Sands, proprietor of Cafe Tropical. “Not over an election, at least. I’m sure it was just people mowing their lawns or something sinister has happened, like the wind.”

In a show of support, students of opposing candidate Jocelyn Schitt have reportedly been making handmade signs to replace the ones that were lost. “I’m just not comfortable with this type of behavior as part of an election campaign,” Schitt explained. “And my students wanted to help.”

Officials from Elections Ontario confirmed that tampering with election signs is a criminal offense.

Moira Rose was unavailable to comment on this story.

## Schitt Withdraws After Sign Kerfuffle

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
June 3, 2016

Schitt’s Creek's by-election has ended with a whimper rather than a bang as Jocelyn Schitt has withdrawn from the race.

“I don’t like what this campaign is doing to me,” and emotional Schitt explained. “I’m barely sleeping. I can’t get through an episode of MasterChef Junior without crying.”

In recent days, rumors were rampant that Schitt’s husband, Mayor Roland Schitt, had been coercing constituents into putting signs for his wife on their lawns. 

The unexpected victory took remaining candidate Moira Rose by surprise. “What have I done?” she exclaimed as the reality of what had happened sunk in.

The town of Schitt’s Creek is waiting eagerly to find out.

## Australian Payday for Blouse Barn

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
June 14, 2016

Christmas has come early for a local business. Blouse Barn, a long-standing women’s wear store in downtown Elmdale, is selling the rights to its name to an Australian conglomerate.

Authentic Aussie Apparel Inc, a billion dollar company in Australia, operates under a suite of names in that company including Frisky Business, Clothporium and Blouse Barn. With full rights to the Canadian name, Elmdale’s Blouse Barn was all that was standing in the way of the company’s expansion into the North American market.

“My representatives negotiated a fair deal with Authentic Aussie Apparel,” said Wendy Kurtz, owner of the Elmdale Blouse Bran. “I’m very pleased with the outcome.”

Although she considered rebranding her store, Kurtz says she feels overdue for a vacation and a chance to regroup. “It’s a big f**king cheque, so I’m closing the store.”

When asked if Blouse Barn Australia would be opening an outlet in Elmdale, company representative Lisa Chung refused to comment.

## EDITORIAL

#### Town Needs Steady Hand, Not Big City Ideas

BY: Schitt’s Creek Inquirer Editorial Board  
May 14, 2016

The people of Schitt’s Creek have long valued stability and uniformity and we deserve to see those values reflected in our leaders. This town is not the big city where creativity and innovation are attributes to be sought out and admired.

To honor those ideals and to ensure our future contains the same forward thinking that has brought us to our present state, the Schitt’s Creek Inquirer is endorsing Jocelyn Schitt for the vacant seat on Town Council.

We applaud Moira Rose’s recent initiative to beautify the town, but we see little value in embracing change for the sake of change. We believe that a strong, stable agenda as provided by Jocelyn Schitt and her husband can see our town through any challenges it may face in the coming years.

Over the past ten years, Schitt’s Creek has celebrated some of its biggest successes, including the repaving of Township Road 16. These are the priorities that are at the heart of our community and can never be outshone by a desire for greenery and clean streets.

In short, we see nothing to be gained by embracing big city ideas and culture. Such a path can only lead to failure and disappointment.

## LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

This town is a shambles! The streets resemble a Mumbian slum, there are mattresses on the side of the road. Would it kill someone to plant a few peonies? We deserve cleanliness, we deserve flower beds, we deserve better lives!

Moira Rose  
Schitt’s Creek

It was with shock and amazement that I learned that photos from my past are being used against me in my crusade for a seat on Town Council.

Who among us has not done a series of tasteful, yet effervescent, nude photographs with Richard Avedon featuring a small umbrella and some Siamese eels? It is beyond reprehensible for the opposing candidate to bring up these photos in an attempt to besmirch my campaign.

Should anyone find these photos of me on the internet, please forward them to my campaign at admin@moirarose.com

Moira Rose  
Schitt’s Creek

I was horrified to learn that one of the candidates for Town Council may have nude photos on the internet. What kind of an example are we setting for our children if our elected officials have naked photos just lying around on the internet where anyone can see them?

Joanne Harper  
Schitt’s Creek

## SPORTS

#### Bob’s Garage Celebrates Decade of Baseball Championships

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
September 10, 2016

Bob’s Garage continued their dominance of the intraleague baseball championship, with an 11-3 win over Cafe Tropical. This marks the tenth straight year Bob’s Garage has secured the championship.

Pitcher Ronnie Lee was the star for Bob’s Garage, pitching a solid game and batting in five of the team’s eleven runs. 

The Cafe led the game briefly in the third inning as catcher Twyla Sands hit a three-run home run to left field. The opposing home run only served to inspire the Garage team, as Lee homered twice in the bottom of the inning, putting the game out of reach.

The Cafe team was undoubtedly hurt by the loss of right fielder Gwen Currie, who reportedly was out of town meeting a friend.

When asked about their decade-long dominance of the sport, Lee was quick to praise the other team, “There wouldn’t be a championship without the Cafe Tropical team, it’s an honor to play against them.”

“We’re sure to win one year,” Twyla Sands responded. As always, the Inquirer will have coverage of the rematch in twelve months time.

## BUSINESS

#### Longstanding Cafe Central to Schitt’s Creek

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer  
August 14, 2016

If you asked anyone in Schitt’s Creek, they could share stories of how Cafe Tropical has been there for the significant events in their lives. 

“First dates, engagements, divorces...we even had a funeral once,” says long time waitress and current owner, Twyla Sands. 

The Cafe, which has been in Twyla’s family for generations, is a local landmark for most residents. “There isn’t really anywhere else to go,” said Jocelyn Schitt. 

Twyla thinks she is the third member of the Sands family to own the Cafe. “I’m not entirely sure. My grandmother’s cousin’s brother’s wife was the first owner. She left it to my mother’s nephew who left it to me after he died in that rototiller incident.”

Regardless of its lineage, the Cafe is a popular spot for locals and tourists alike. Anyone who wants to eat out in Schitt’s Creek inevitably finds themselves at the cafe, lured by the unusual name or the lack of other options.

“We offer a little piece of the tropics in Schitt’s Creek,” Sands explains. Inside, the cheery decor is matched only by the wide smile of the owner. 

“It’s not like any of the tropics I’ve been to,” patron Alexis Rose remarked. Even so, when pressed, she confessed to visiting the Cafe every day. “Some of the smoothies almost taste like you think they will.”

## CHEERS AND JEERS

JEERS to bank machines and PIN numbers for not operating as advertised.

JEERS to Melissa Manchester for recording the 1976 hit ‘Don’t Cry Out Loud.’

CHEERS to the new receptionist at the Ted Mullens Vet Clinic for being so sweet about the death of my cat Mittens and my new boyfriend Albert.

JEERS to the Blouse Barn in Elmdale for confusing high end women’s fashion with skanky casual wear.

CHEERS to Moira Rose for taking on Town Council and the acquisition of the Town’s new shrubberies!

JEERS to men who unexpectedly shave their beards, surprising the people who knew them with a beard and really liked it.

JEERS to recipes, folding and cheese.

JEERS to moths and their voracious appetite for cashmere.

JEERS to bicycles and particularly to helmets.

JEERS to the internet for failing to contain the correct nude photographs.

## CLASSIFIED ADS

#### COMMUNITY NOTICES

**POLICE NOTICE**  
The public is reminded that the distribution and sale of raw milk is illegal and may result in fines up to $10,000.

**HEALTH NOTICE**  
The public is reminded that consuming raw milk is a health risk and that unpasteurized milk may carry salmonella, listeria and E. coli.

**CALL FOR NOMINATIONS**  
Notice is hereby given that Nomination Day is Wednesday May 1st, 2016 and that nominations for the election of candidates for the office of COUNCILLOR will be received at Schitt’s Creek Town Hall beginning Tuesday March 26th, 2019 until 12:00 Noon on Nomination Day. **Nomination papers are available at the Town Office, and a $50.00 cash deposit must accompany all nomination papers**

**AUDITION with the Jazzagals** Are you a nice person who loves to sing? The Jazzagals might be right for you. From hip hop to grunge, oldies to rock ‘n’ roll, come sing with us. Auditions May 3, 7 pm, Town Hall.

**NOTICE OF BY-ELECTION**  
Notice is hereby given that a by-election will be held for Office of COUNCILLOR. Voting will take place on the 12th day of June, 2016 between the hours of 10:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m at Schitt’s Creek Town Hall. 

**CANDIDATE’S BREAKFAST** will be held May 14, 7-9 am at Cafe Tropicale. Meet and greet with the by-election candidates.

**WOMEN’S BUSINESS ASSOCIATION** is looking for members. Get support for your business. Meetings 3rd Tuesday of each month, 7 pm. Contact Ronnie Lee for more info.

**POLICE NOTICE**  
The public is reminded that the deliberate theft or damage of an election sign is a criminal offense that may result in criminal charges, including jail time.

**PET OF THE WEEK** Max is a bulldog cross who’s had a ruff time. He’s neutered (but that’s private) and he likes treats and walks. If you’re pawsitive you need Max in your life, visit him at the Ted Mullens Vet Clinic. M-F, 9-5.

#### REAL ESTATE

**APARTMENT FOR RENT** Charming studio apartment for rent in lower SC, available immediately. Light, spacious, airy, cute. $275/mo. Soundproof, cats permitted. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

**TOWN FOR SALE** 4,500 Acres. $1,000,000. Varied landscapes and outdated architecture. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

#### BUSINESS SERVICES

**Ray Butani Real Estate, Photography and Travel** Now featuring our new podcast! This week’s episode features a great apartment where only one person died, travel deals to Moldova and the lowdown on what really happened at last month’s Council meeting. Download the latest episode at Raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

**VISIT MOLDOVA!** $1199/person. 2 week vacation special, all inclusive. Visit beautiful Moldova and see Chisinau, Old Orhei, and Cricova as you never have before. See classic Soviet-era landmarks. Deal expires July 15, 2016. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

Unbeatable prices and quality services!  
I CAN BOOK YOUR VACATION  
FIND YOUR DREAM HOME  
AND TAKE YOUR FAMILY PORTRAIT!  
raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

**BLOUSE BARN** High end women’s fashions at reasonable prices. Prints, colors and more! Visit us in downtown Elmdale or online at www.blousebarn.com.

**THE ELMDALE INN** Fine dining with a local flare. Reservations recommended. Visit our website to download a 4 entrees for the price for 3 coupon. www.theelmdaleinn.com 

**THE WOBBLY ELM** We are the sketchy bar on the outskirts of town. Featuring pool and beer and other drinks (as supplies allow). Find us on Township Road 16 at the edge of town.

**INVESTORS WANTED** Investors wanted for fledgling bagel business. For more info email Bob at bob@bobsgarage.com

**BROKEN HEARTS SPECIAL** Mexican resort vacation, sun, sand, dirt bike tours. Proof of failed relationship required. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

#### FOR SALE

**WOMEN’S BICYCLE** Women’s comfort style bicycle. Pink. Barely used. Comes with matching helmet. Inquiries to Alexis at the Schitt’s Creek Motel.

**ESTATE SALE** Estate sale and auction. Lamps, clothing, jewelry, mattresses and more. Sale date April 30, 2016. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

**INTERIOR DECOR** Life-sized fibreglass emu sculpture and four taxidermied peacocks. Inquiries to Wendy at the Blouse Barn, wendy@blousebarn.com

#### HELP WANTED

**BRAND MANAGER** High-end women’s boutique seeks brand manager for retail environment. Email Wendy at wendy@blousebarn.com

**ASSISTANT WANTED** If you have any of the following skills, this might be the job for you. *real estate conveyancing *small business licensing *business planning *grants and loans *house staging *travel planning *studio photography *portrait photography *animal photography *children photography *fire and water photography *wedding photography *furniture assembly *closet organization. To apply, email Ray at ray@raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

#### PERSONALS

**SEE YOU AGAIN?** Duane - enjoyed last week’s meet-up. Interested in more if you are. Sundays are better, I have baseball on Saturdays. Respond to Gwen, Box 4, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer.

  



	3. Excerpts from 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got back to this, so here is "year" 3 of the Schitt's Creek newspaper. This is when the timeline starts to get creative, so please ignore all of that (shakes fist at Dan Levy in mock frustration).

## New Ownership for Schitt’s Creek Motel

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer March 15, 2017 

The Schitt’s Creek Motel is under new management. 

Ownership of the iconic motor inn, which is little changed from its construction in the 1970s, transferred to local resident Stevie Budd upon the death of her great-aunt Maureen earlier this month. The younger Budd will be joined in this new venture by long-time motel resident and former video mogul, Johnny Rose. 

Stevie Budd was taken aback by the turn of fortune that saw her take ownership of the hostelry. “I had no idea that great-aunt Maureen owned the motel. Or that she wanted to leave it to me. I never saw myself owning this motel. Or any motel.” 

Business partner Johnny Rose is looking forward to rebuilding the motel to its former glory. “It needs some work, but it’s not like there’s anywhere else for visitors to stay in this town.” 

When asked about the future, Stevie Budd was overcome with emotion. “I can’t believe this happened to me.” 

Rose encouraged residents and visitors to stay up-to-date with the motel’s progress. “Follow us on Tweeters!”

## One Third of Downtown Businesses Closing

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer March 27, 2017

Downtown Schitt’s Creek was dealt a blow this week with the news that the Schitt’s Creek General Store will be closing its doors for good. 

The General Store, which first opened in 1988, will close on Friday. “Everyone wants to drive to Elmdale,” owner Cindy Katz explained. “We just can’t stay in business selling emergency supplies of toilet paper and fungal cream.” 

Community reaction to the store’s closing was mixed. “I’m sorry to hear that,” said long-time resident Gwen Currie. “I especially liked their extensive collection of scarves. So versatile and inexpensive.” 

Others were more sanguine about the fate of the General Store. “What sort of things did they sell in this local emporium?” asked Town Councilor Moira Rose. “I’ve never been.” 

The space might not sit empty for long. Town Councilor Ronnie Lee hinted that several lease applications have already been received.

## Christmas World Rumored as New General Store Tenant

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer April 10, 2017 

Schitt’s Creek might be home to Christmas in July, and April, and February if an international business has its way. 

Christmas World, which boosts 132 retail locations in Canada and Norway, is rumored to be opening its newest location in Schitt’s Creek. With the closure of the General Store last month, the town has been rife with rumors about possible new tenants. However, Town Councilor Ronnie Lee urged caution before jumping to conclusions. “Council has yet to make a decision about the future of the General Store,” she explained. “I, for one, am not sure if silver Christmas trees fit with the character of our town.” 

Mayor Roland Schitt was more effusive in his support. “Year-round fake snow and an all you can drink nog fountain. What’s not to love?” 

Lee had the final word about what she’d like to see in the space. “You can’t eat Christmas.”

## New Tenant for General Store

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer April 21, 2017

A new tenant has been selected for the former Schitt’s Creek General Store building. 

During last Thursday’s Council meeting, Mayor Roland Schitt announced that the lease for the General Store had been awarded to David Rose. Rose, who is the son of Town Councilor Moira Rose and former Rose Video mogul Johnny Rose, will assume the lease on May 1. 

“It will be a general store that’s also a very specific store,” David Rose explained. “It’s branded immersive experience.” 

Local residents will have to wait to find out what that means and if this new venture can avoid the fate of the building’s predecessor.

## New Garden Dedicated to First Term Councilor

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer June 3, 2017

Despite being in office for less than a year and her lack of meaningful accomplishments, Town Council has voted to name a flower garden for its newest member. 

The garden, which has been constructed next to the former General Store, has been named Moira’s Rose’s Garden 4856 in honor of the first term councilor. The flower bed, which joins local landmarks such as Bob’s Bench and the Ronnie Lee Recreational Centre, continues the tradition of naming irrelevant town features after the town’s leaders. 

“Moira should be honored,” said Mayor Roland Schitt. “Now her name will forever be linked with this town.” 

Moira Rose was unavailable to comment on this story.

## New Store Features Best Schitt’s Creek Has to Offer

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer June 24, 2017

After months of speculation, local residents finally got their first look inside Schitt’s Creek’s newest business on Friday. 

Rose Apothecary, a joint venture of business partners David Rose and Patrick Brewer, opened to limited fanfare on Friday. Despite the lack of advertising, customers lined up down the block to be among the first to enter the store’s newly painted doors. 

Amid packed crowds, proprietor David Rose explained the concept of the new store. “We source local products and sell them under the brand of the store. Which is also my brand.” 

Rose’s partner Patrick Brewer was quick to add. “It’s a consignment model that benefits both the vendors and the customers. By providing a local sales venue for regional products, we benefit a supply chain of local makers.” 

If Rose Apothecary is able to maintain the level of interest it saw on opening day, Schitt’s Creek should be able to count on a much needed long term tenant for the General Store.

## Fifteen Graduate from Schitt’s Creek High School

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer June 28, 2017

The largest graduating class since 1978 took the stage at Schitt’s Creek High School on Friday. 

The fifteen person class was the largest graduating class in recent memory. “Our grade 12 class typically has about thirty students,” said high school teacher Jocelyn Schitt. “This year our graduation rate was higher than in past years, so we’re pretty pleased.” 

School principal Edward Morgan echoed Schitt’s remarks. “Many of our students fail their provincial exams, so this year’s class is a special one.” 

The graduation ceremony ended with a touching rendition of ‘Baby I’m Yours’ performed by Moira Rose and the Jazzagals.

## EDITORIAL

#### Rose Shows Her Inexperience

BY: Schitt’s Creek Inquirer Editorial Board March 14, 2017 

Moira Rose’s recent performance at her inaugural council meeting only reaffirms the apprehensions that this publication had about electing a political neophyte. 

Rose, who initially supported and then proceeded to argue against an expansion of hours for our after school care program illustrates the dangers that come when our leaders seize the spotlight for their own aggrandizement. 

It was apparent from her first meeting that Rose is in over her head and rather than becoming a voice for either change or stab, she will be a loose cannon, careening from one cause to the next. 

With time we can only hope that Rose will grow into her role and that the residents of Schitt’s Creek will not have further cause to regret her assumption of the position of Councilor.

## LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Town Council’s recent failure to lure Christmas World to our town can only be seen as a black eye for Schitt’s Creek. Our town needs businesses like Christmas World to truly put us on the map. Not to mention the continued inconvenience of having to drive to Elmdale to purchase ornaments and decor. 

Gwen Currie 

Schitt’s Creek 

I am confused by the recent dedication of the flower garden adjacent to the former General Store. While the flowers are beautiful, it is premature to dedicate a garden to our newest councilor, who has been in office for less than a year. Plus the name of the garden is very unclear. Moira’s Rose’s Garden 4856? Is that some sort of code? 

Frank Davis 

Schitt’s Creek

## SPORTS

#### Bob’s Garage Defeats Cafe Tropicale in 11th Straight Victory

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer September 10, 2017 

For the eleventh year in a row, Bob’s Garage has defeated the team from Cafe Tropicale to win the intraleague baseball championship. 

The Bob’s Garage team went up early in the game, scoring four runs in the top of the first inning. Cafe Tropicale attempted to mount a comeback in the fourth, but their fate was sealed and they fell by a final score of 12-2. Catcher Roland Schitt thwarted the other team with a dramatic tag on the Cafe Tropicale’s shortstop to end the inning. 

Bob’s Garage team captain Ronnie Lee had nothing but praise for the other team. “Cafe Tropicale is a worthy opponent and we couldn’t have done this without them.” 

At least one Cafe Tropicale player has had enough of the decade plus losing streak. Third baseman Stevie Budd announced at the end of the game that she was switching teams and would join Bob’s Garage in the coming season. 

The Cafe team was undoubtedly hurt by the loss of right fielder Gwen Currie, who was reportedly out of town meeting a friend.

## BUSINESS

#### Local Vet a Pawsitive Success

BY: Laurel Spencer, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer August 14, 2017

Ted Mullens has always loved animals. When he was eight years old, he found an injured sparrow beneath his bedroom window and nursed it back to health. 

“I was otterly obsessed,” Mullens says. “I went to vet school to get my koalafications and never looked back.” 

Turning his passion into a business was a logical next step after vet school and Mullens opened the Ted Mullens Veterinary Clinic in 2009. As one of only two local vets in the area, Mullens treats everything from dogs to hamsters to livestock. Not every encounter is a positive one as a recent run-in with a goat left him with a black eye and an embarrassing story. “Animals will always find the purrfect way to humble you,” he explained.

Wildlife remain a particular passion. When asked about his future plans, Mullens said that a trip to an exotic location like the Galapagos to do research and provide vet services was a long standing dream. “Pawsibly one day,” he said. “It would be an oppurrtunity I couldn’t pass up.”

## CHEERS AND JEERS

JEERS to silver Christmas trees that only appeal to serial killers and single men over 40. 

JEERS to Christmas World for bringing the corporate big box store to our humble town. What’s next, a Pottery Barn? 

JEERS to the outrageous exhibitionism displayed by the Ted Mullens Vet Clinic on their new bunny cam. You should be ashamed, exploiting those poor bunnies! Children could be watching! 

CHEERS to the bunny cam at the Ted Mullens Vet Clinic. I’m obsessed with it! 

JEERS to Moira Rose for her highly confusing position at the recent Town Council meeting. 

JEERS to murderers and mysteries and murder mysteries and murder mystery parties. 

JEERS to small minded motel reviewers who are unable to understand the perils of running a small town motel. 

CHEERS to the wardrobe of the current Town Council (myself excluded) for their uninspiring wardrobe choices on opening night. 

CHEERS to the Schitt’s Creek Motel for providing ‘breakout’ space for the Regional Accountant’s Conference. 

CHEERS to Rose Apothecary, a truly winsome experience for our little town.

## CLASSIFIED ADS

#### COMMUNITY NOTICES

**TOWN COUNCIL** Meetings every other Thursday at 8 pm. Please see community message boards for future meeting agendas. Refreshments provided. 

**POLICE NOTICE** Residents are advised to be on the lookout for a ring of sex workers who may be working out of local establishments. Pay special attention to customers who want to rent premises for unusual hours and who want to pay in cash. Please report any suspicious activity to the Schitt’s Creek Police Department. 

**HEALTH NOTICE** Families of students at Schitt’s Creek High School are advised of a recent lice outbreak at the school. Students are reminded not to share personal items and to wash and dry all items in hot water for at least 20 minutes. 

**PET OF THE WEEK** Flopsy, Mopsy and Rover are bunnies who are hopping for a good home. If you need some bunny to love, visit them at the Ted Mullens Vet Clinic. M-F, 9-5 or check out our new bunny cam at tedmullensvetclinic.com. 

**ELM COUNTY REGIONAL ACCOUNTANT’S CONFERENCE** Tired after a long day of tax credits and business exemptions? Make an appointment to relax with professionals from our team at our Schitt’s Creek location. Text Trish at 505-908-4327 to make an appointment. 

**LITTLE TOWNS BIG VOICES FESTIVAL** is now accepting audition tapes from local singing groups. Have your voice heard on the big stage. Submit tapes by May 15, 2017 for consideration.

#### OBITUARIES

**BUDD, Maureen Stephanie** June 14, 1939-March 5, 2017 Maureen Budd passed away after a long battle with life and alcohol at her home in Saskatchewan. Known for her passion for palm reading and gunplay, Ms. Budd leaves behind her much hated sister, Arlene; her stepson, Lloyd; her cousin, Olive; six cats and her great-niece, Stevie. A private ceremony to scatter her ashes will be held in the parking lot behind the Schitt’s Creek Arena. Inquiries to West, Read and Healy Attorneys-at-Law.

#### REAL ESTATE

**AVAILABLE SOON** Motel for sale! It’s never a bad time to buy a motel! This 10 room roadside hostelry features the latest in vintage 1970s decor. Most rooms have never been updated! Regular revenue stream from long-term tenants. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com 

**TOWN FOR SALE** 4,500 Acres. $1,000,000. Varied landscapes and outdated architecture. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

#### BUSINESS SERVICES

**VISIT GENOVIA!** $1499/person. 2 week vacation special, all inclusive. Visit beautiful Pyrus, New Pyrus, Lexington and New Lexington. Enjoy the white sand beaches and sunsets of the French Riviera. Deal expires July 15, 2017. Details at raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com 

Unbeatable prices and quality services! 

I CAN BOOK YOUR VACATION 

FIND YOUR DREAM HOME 

TAKE YOUR FAMILY PORTRAIT 

AND ORGANIZE YOUR CLOSET! 

raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com

**WORRIED ABOUT VIRUSES?** Cal’s authentic anti-virus can get rid of viruses before they strike. No installation needed. Call Cal at 505-908-8743 

**FRANCHISE OPPORTUNITY** Screamnastics combines the best in gymnastics, scream therapy and extreme juicing. Franchise opportunities now available. Serious inquiries only to amygrace@screamnastics.com 

**DO YOU NEED LOVE** for your pet? Bring your darling to Dr Migeul Animal, Lover, and Veterinarian. Learn more at schittscreekanimallover.com 

**CLOSING OUT SALE** Schitt’s Creek General Store, everything must go. All items 50-90% off. Fungal cream and cereal still available. 

**Ray Butani Real Estate, Photography and Travel** Now featuring our new podcast! This week’s episode features a soon-to-be listed, one-of-a kind motel, an introduction to my new assistant Patrick, the latest in closet organization and travel deals to Genovia! Download the latest episode at Raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com 

**MESSY CLOSETS?** I can help! Featuring the latest service from Ray Butani Real Estate, Photography and Travel: Closet Organization! Contact me for rates and more information ray@raybutanisrealestatephotographytravel.com 

**NEW AND IMPROVED!** Under new management! Continental breakfast now available! Follow us on Tweeters! 

**CAFE TROPICALE** This week’s special: Mozzarella Stick Platter with complementary dipping sauce, $6.95.

#### FOR SALE

**HANDCRAFTED FURNITURE** Custom chairs, cabinets and other furniture. Contact Jake at jake@jakescustomfurniture.com 

**BAINBRIDGE AUTO** We deal in quality used cars! 347 Main St. This week’s special: 1977 Lincoln Town Car, $7250.

#### HELP WANTED

**PINE CONE COLLECTORS WANTED** Collect pine cones, earn money! $0.05 per cone. Contact Moonshine through the cosmos. 

**ASSISTANT WANTED** Join a happy, fun vet clinic. Must enjoy touching animals, experience assisting with surgeries an asset. Contact Ted at Ted Mullens Vet Clinic where my last assistant definitely didn’t quit.

#### PERSONALS

**HOPING FOR MORE** Duane - can we meet outside the Dude Cave? Looking to take things to the next level. Remember that baseball is on Saturdays. Respond to Gwen, Box 4, Schitt’s Creek Inquirer.


End file.
